It often feels like we are alone in our transitions and that can be so very isolating. In the early days of my transition online groups were hugely important to me feeling part of a community.

Because I was so isolated in those days I was also prone to finding myself in TERF / “gender critical” spaces online, and I cannot understate how utterly damaging what I experienced there was.

I subjected myself to their forums like a rat to electrified cheese and it took me a lot of work to understand that engaging with those spaces, with such vitriol and hatred toward my existence and personhood, constituted an act of self-harm. For me, subjecting myself to transphobia is absolutely a form of self-harm as dangerous and damaging as cutting or burning oneself.

I had to accept that I am unable to reach some people as a trans woman. As a trans person, trying to engage with a TERF is like trying to have a polite conversation with someone from opposite ends of a soccer field.

Someone who the TERF listens to, someone on their side of the field, is who needs to take up that task. Until said TERF is okay with being on the same plot of grass as a trans woman, we’re just not going to get through to them. Cis allies have to do that.

I’ve learned that my attention is better spent on educating well-meaning but casually ignorant cis folks on the reality of the scrutiny and hatred we face. It’s not as steep of a climb to educate, and they can go do the work of educating their peers.

Prioritize trans-affirmative spaces and ignore the TERFs, they’re not worth sacrificing your mental health.