Am I a transphobe?

I came out in 2017, and since that time, I’ve encountered this question in many different ways from cis people. Sometimes, it’s asked in good faith from cis people who are just trying to do better. “Am I transphobic? Please teach me.”

Other times, it’s combative. “Really? You think I’m transphobic? I’m not afraid of trans people!”

First of all, yes. Most people who ask these questions are, in some way, transphobic. We all are, myself included, which is why these conversations get complicated in short order.

This is why I don’t necessarily like words like “transphobia” being used as a catch-all. Many people, both well-intentioned and otherwise, get hung up on the “phobia” part, forgetting that a phobia can be a literal fear, but it can also be an aversion, as in the word “hydrophobic.” Hydrophobia can certainly refer to a fear of water or swimming, or it can refer to a substance that rejects water. That difference jams up otherwise good discussions about what it means to be exposed to anti-transness throughout our lives.

Here’s the thing: we live in a fundamentally transphobic society. The problem is systemic, with far-reaching impacts on the cultural zeitgeist of the past few hundred years, to varying degrees throughout each era.

Transphobia, trans antagonism, and transmisogyny are often considered synonymous…